I had promised you sometime ago that I will write about the so called "Iraqi" passport. But events took the better of my time and I got sidetracked with slightly more important issues such as deaths, battered relatives, tortured family members, imprisoned relations and others who simply disappeared...
So do excuse the delay.
The first thing you need to know is that the process of getting a passport or renewing one or changing one is a NIGHTMARE.
The new Kosher passport now holds the letter G. This passport has met and has passed "international security standards."
Now if you do not have a G passport, you are screwed. If you happen to have an N, M, H or S series passport you are doubly screwed.
In order to get a G -string passport and replace all the other passports series you have to go to the Ministry of Interior and fill an application form and wait for at least 3 months if not more and pay bribes and the cost of the passport is around 20 dollars (which is a lot of money for the average Iraqi).
You may or may not get it. Actually you may not even leave the ministry, if your name happens to be Omar, Bakr or Othman...So do change your name before.
Some of you may remember reading about this infamous building run by the Iranian militias and turned into a torture center. Not much has changed since. Yep that is the Ministry of Interior.
For those of you who still possess the M series passport, forget it - it is no longer valid even though it has not expired. If you happen to have the N series, know it will expire in December 2007.
If you have an H or S series, you can kiss yourself goodbye...
Now the plot thickens. Because if you have an M or an N and wish to change it to the acceptable G, that does not necessarily mean you will get a "G" passport - due to the huge demand (or so they claim). You may very well end up with an S series instead - temporary Shit series.
So you have to go through the whole fucking process all over again.
The S series was issued by their lordship Americanas but then they were subsequently deemed as a security threat.
Now the G series is only issued for individuals. Those who have families cannot get a G passport. (spouse and children under 16). So naturally families need to wait much longer for their turn to come.
Basically put, the G series is for those working in the Green zone and their collaborators so they can travel for their business contracts or for rest and relaxation or to lose weight like Talabani.
Remember his trip to Mayo clinic - Any progress on his fat insurgency ?
Talking about Talabani of course reminds me of our brothers the Kurds. What a sinking feeling I get when I mention them.
Now check out the latest and am NOT being satirical nor am I exaggerating.
Any Iraqi living outside of Iraq and holding the Iraqi nationality, requires a visa from the Iraqi embassy to travel to any "Kurdish area", notably Erbil "international airport" plus 2 kurdish sponsors. And do not forget that Erbil international airport was built courtesy of the Israelis.
Umm D. lives in Jordan and wanted to visit her son in Baghdad. She applied for a visa to land in Erbil. I am serious.
Any Iraqi inside of Iraq who is not a kurd and who lives outside "kurdistan" - Kharrastan (kharra in arabic = shit = merde = mierda) is refused entry into Erbil.
Raouf after his torture ordeal wanted to go there and then move on somewhere else. He was refused entry because and I quote textually what they told him: " You are an ARAB Iraqi."
I believe Chomsky and Co. and all those Arab left wing wankers who cried about the poor Kurds must be elated to learn this. Another congratulations to you.
I hope that Kharrastans will sprout in Iran, Turkey and Syria. But these countries will NEVER allow a Kharrastan to take place there.
And of course the kurds are now driving out the real inhabitants of Mosul, Kirkuk, Erbil, Dhok...so they can establish their little Israeli-American empire and Talabani and Barazani can sit on big fat chairs on their big fat asses and fart away to the kurdish national anthem, waving away their chauvinistc flag in Kharrastan.
Yes Turdistan it is indeed. Please don't get me going I will not be able to stop and you will end up with another lethal "Uncensored Anger Manifesto."
Back to these damned passports.
Since am talking about "official" travel documents, I also need to talk about "unofficial" travel documents. i.e forged ones.
I always believed when there is a will there is a way. Listen now to the story of Muhannad's brother who escaped from the Mahdi drill boys in Baladiyat after witnessing 4 of his family members slaughtered in front of his very eyes.
Let's call him Yasser. Yasser ended up in no man land's stranded in the desert between Iraq and Syria. He was there for 8 months with his wife and two little kids. Living in a fucking tent, with no water, no electricity in the middle of nowhere.
And I would like to see the Arab leftists wankers who carry the Palestinian cause like some torch of self glamour - talk about the fate of the Palestinians in Iraq.
Back to Yasser. Yasser and some of his "camp colleagues", met someone who was willing to sell them passports so they can get to France and then from there go to Sweden.
The passports, Portuguese, were beautifully forged. Yasser's new name was Da Silva.
Now you are wondering why Portuguese right? Think hard.
Dduh! They are "dark and have mustaches" like the Iraqis and they are Europeans and it is easier to say "obrigada" than "thank you " with a heavy foreign accent and not get caught.
Cost of the passport - 15'000 US dollars.
Yasser and his friends borrowed loads of money and finally got the passports.
They arrived in France and 8 out of the 10, stayed in the airport and were returned "home". Yes they were caught. Not because the passports were badly forged but because the guys did not learn a word of portuguese and they panicked at the customs.
So off they went - shipped back to Baladiyat - Baghdad - Iraq.
Fortunately for Yasser he made it through. He arrived to Sweden, contacted the police there, gave them his fake passport and applied for political asylum. He was one of the lucky ones.
So Dear Reader, if you ever envisage applying for the Iraqi nationality - am certain this is an interesting proposition since we are nascent model democracy - make sure you highlight on your application form you want the G-string series.
Or else...you can kiss your own ass goodbye.
Painting: Iraqi artist, Mohammed Al Shammarey.