April 28, 2011

Raw...

I am Layla Anwar and I am raw...I am Layla Anwar and I am naked...I have been naked for the past 8 years...

I lost my skin, my dermis, my protection...what you see is nothing but flesh, raw.

Raw as in no place to hide, no bunker, no shelter, no nothing...naked as is no clothes, no protection, no cover...

Raw as in under open skies, raw as in unknown destinations, raw as in no country...

My country was my protection...a place, as imperfect as it was, I could run back to, a place...and now I lost my anchor...am sailing, not knowing where...carried by waves and winds I can't control. No one taught me how to navigate...I was just thrown into deep waters...naked and raw...

I carry my rawness with me, it is my baggage, my suitcase, my luggage...How can one let go of one's flesh ?

I, We, queue in waiting...unsure...we just queue hoping...hoping for what ? We don't know...

Here we are standing in line like good obedient subjects, objects, holding that rawness - that bag, in a hand - a passport, a document, an identity card...coaxing it to speak for us, coaxing to say - we were, we are...we once existed, we are trying to exist...

We queue and say Insha'Allah...

And in the rawness of our flesh - tempests scream, tornadoes blow, wild fires consume us...and we say Insha'Allah...

We swallow the caustic No, the indifferent Look, the slammed Door in our faces...

We swallow the Silence,

The bitter pill, your bitter pill, hoping to forget like you did.

But Raw stands in line - in front, behind, next to me...and refuses to forget.

April 24, 2011

Arab World Blues...

There is not one corner of the Arab world that is not being turned upside down...

Why is that ?

What is this wabaa in Arabic, a plague in English that has caught up with us ?

Could that plague be called democracy ? Like after Iraq's style of Freedom and Liberty?

Sure, we have problems, had problems. But our problems are not any worse than yours...frankly not.

Looking at the bigger picture, we are not any worse than you. Actually if we were, you would not be flocking in mass, trying to learn the language, eating falafels and hummus and trying to figure out the "culture".

OK so you hate Arabs, many of you do. I never really understood where your inferiority complex came from...must be the language barrier, like the radical language barrier...

What is this obsession and fascination of yours with the Arab world ? Come on let's have it.

Apart from oil. Now, I know you can get intoxicated just thinking of it...but there is more to it. I know so. I viscerally know so.

I know the secret...

You are so obsessed with us...you really are. It has gone beyond fascination, it is something else...

I know the secret...

I know what that something else is all about.

But I will leave you to stew in your obsession...and what you can't attain by grace, you try to attain by force...and either way it won't work...and either way, you will never win...

April 17, 2011

Human Race, what Human Race ?!

The Human Race, whatever this may mean --- is totally pathetic.

Now, I know this runs against your humanistic activism -- whatever this may mean...but let me tell you something else...you are as pathetic.

Overall, we are a pathetic people, striving for pathetic ends, using pathetic means, pathetically embellishing our accomplishments...

We are a fucking disaster of a race...we are petty, stupid, short sighted, arrogant, arrogant even in our so called humbleness, we are disgracefully dishonest, and yet we like to believe that we actually lead...lead what you idiots ?! we are being collectively led by our noses...towards our total annihilation...

Stupid, pathetically stupid...

The human race - can't get over it.

April 11, 2011

Since the Fall of Baghdad...

Since April 9th, since the so called fall of Baghdad...I have sat back and watched you fall...over and over again...And every time you pick yourself up, you shall fall again...

I would be a disgusting liar if I fail to confess a certain pleasure in observing you. I love observing you from afar, totally incognito...and I secretly smile inside of me.

I am not by nature a vindictive person, nor do I believe in revenge, except in specific cases, and Iraq is one of them...

Oh how I saw you gloat, and you've been gloating for 8 years now, gleefully, nastily, slyly, you gloated....and you mocked...you mocked with your airs of intellectual knowledge...what knowledge you garbage, you have no knowledge...you are a self seeking, self promoting, sensationalists third grade columnists, writers, bloggers, activists, and the rest...

Oh and the self made experts, wanting a little bit of limelight in this grand web of illusions, pontificating about what was, what is and what should be...and our voices were silenced, stifled, choked, strangulated, drowned, in the sounds of bombs, of B.52s, of bullets...drowning in a sea of dust and ashes...incognito, just like I am right now...and will remain so, totally anonymous...not making the annals of a truthful history.

So let me not dwell too much on us, on me...let me give you the attention you have always sought...let me give significance, relevance to your insignificant, irrelevant beings...let me validate your non issues, your non existence...

Let me give you simple examples, simple examples for simplistic people...maybe, perhaps, you will get the gist...hopefully...

I know this Syrian Alawite person...for the past 2 weeks, he/she is going through a severe depression because of a few protests in Syria. It refuses to speak to anyone, is worried sick about its future, since the status quo, its status quo is being slightly tickled...That same it, after the fall of Baghdad, ululated with joy...

Let me give you another example, to get you going...

An Egyptian it, also smugly congratulated the Iraqis on the fall of Baghdad at the hands of the Americans and Iranians...today, that same it, is sullenly silent, worried sick, mortified about the future of its country...and at the same time has turned into an opportunistic revolutionary sneaking into the crowd for approval, the typical Egyptian way...

Another example for you.

Some it from the Gulf, with its belly and Rolex watch, who has never held a rifle in its life, with airs of smugness, assured me it was all for the best...today Bahrainis, Kuwaitis, and the rest of these inconsequential people are shitting bricks...

Do you want one more ?

Let me tell you about the Libyan who said we brought it onto ourselves, watch it now, not knowing which way to turn...not knowing in which "zenga zenga" and which tune it can dance to...

Yalla, one more, a few more...

A Lebanese, who said in its totally fucked up French, the way zee Lebanese like to impress "yay la dictateur, c'est finit" That thing moved neighborhoods since the fall of Baghdad, because it could not take Iranian flags flying right next to its balcony...I suppose "la dictateur" caught up with it right in front of its doorstep in zee, oh la la, Lebanon.

Let me not forget the Palestinian, who mobilizes and cries daily over the terrible horrible vile terror on Gaza, dancing to Hezbollah and to liberation, yet gleefully applauded the vanquished city...on the 9th of April...

Did I miss out on anyone else ?

Ah yes, the ignorant Jordanian, who hardly finished high school, yet pretends because it speaks two words of English, to be the role model for the rest...I remember that thing, with its dyed peroxide hair fluffed up like a peacock, exclaiming "Ya Haram, poor things those American soldiers, they've crossed miles..." That particular day, over 3'500 Iraqis were massacred by both Americans and Iranian militias.

Let me see, who did I leave out from the its ?

Now I remember, a Saudi thing who said "I am praying for the day that every Iraqi family has a funeral..." I heard that thing has its suitcase already packed about to jump on the first flight...ready, with its dishdasha (traditional outfit) held tightly between its teeth...you know, a question of being able to run a little faster...without tripping or falling...

There are a few more, a few Tunisians, Moroccans, Algerians...but enough. I've given you enough attention so far...content yourselves with the above. Applicable to you, just add your own "cultural twists"...

As for the rest, these non beings, you know; Americans, Brits, French, Germans, etc...
Who ? Who did you say you are ?


Since the fall of Baghdad, I have watched each one of you...and I have not stopped smiling inside.

April 7, 2011

The Messenger and the Message...

Some say, the messenger is not important, just hear, listen to the message.

I disagree with that statement.

The messenger determines the veracity of the message he conveys. How so ? It can't be but so. Otherwise anything one hears, reads is taken as Truth. But if you look at the messenger, who he is, where he stands, how he conducts himself in life, only then can you determine the authenticity of his message.

For me this is not open to debate. Iraq taught me so.

I always take Iraq as one of the deepest and most important lessons I have learned in Life and I have learned much from Iraq.

I learned all I need to learn about politics, people, loyalties, treachery, false piety, greed, corruption, violence, hatred, love, hypocrisy, lies, omissions, pain, suffering, exile, displacement, longings, yearnings, abandonment, neglect, arrogance, humility, pride, false pride, honor, dignity, truth, falsehood, beauty, ugliness, innocence, oppression...and I can keep on adding...

Iraq is a great messenger with an authentic message.

And since I am on the subject of Messenger and Message, my mind cannot but make the association with religion, religious people, faith, belief, acts and deeds...

Let me start with a simple Islamic saying, I can't remember where I read it, but am sure I did read it somewhere, it must have been a Hadith or some Sufi quote.

God's houses of worship are the Devil's favorite place.

The Devil prefers this place more than the market place. You know why ? Because the one who goes to the worship place is seeking inside...hence he is fragile and vulnerable...and what better condition for the Devil than this condition.

Which brings me to the subject of preachers, all kinds of preachers...you find them every where, dressed in all kinds of clothes, modern looking, traditional looking, rosaries, beards, or well shaved...does not matter...but they are there. And this is where the devil resides...in the preacher. Not all preachers but like 99% of them...

You see the Devil loves the turban, and the attire...there are also invisible turbans by the way, he loves those too...anything that gives you the impression of a learned man of religion, he adores...

Of course, to some of my "brothers and sisters" this may come across as pure blasphemy...not so in my opinion, THE MESSENGER taught me differently.

Again getting back to Iraq. After 2003, there sprung numerous beards, rosaries, turbans, the taqwa of the occupation, the submissive piety of the occupation - is what I like to call it.

Every governmental office and every public place had Ayats from the Holy book adorning the walls, pictures of the Holy Kaba'a, pictures of Imam Ali plastered in every corner, an overflowing zeal of religious fervor accompanied with the most impressive of speeches...the speeches, oh the speeches...the sermons of morality, of righteousness, of avoiding what is forbidden and endowing what is permissible...in the eyes of Allah...women flocked with their chadors, veils, listening to the preachers...sucking on their words straight from the Divine...

And the beards grew longer as well as the rosaries and the sermons increased, and so did the faithful bowing their heads in modesty in front of the TV cameras specially called in for the occasions... and so did the fatwas, the religious decrees along with the superstitions and the lies....

The Husseinyat and the customary religious observances were multiplied by a hundred...one would have thought that we reached paradise...except this paradise had no water...it just had overflowing blood in gold cups...

Those same men, and they were not only a handful, no am talking of hundreds, would spill blood, killing another Muslim, and then break for their afternoon prayers with their salawat, their praising of the Prophet and the Ahl Al Bayt,...Salawat after Salawat...

And before breaking fast, they would go and rape, torture and mutilate, and then say -- Thank you Allah for my fasting...unroll the praying mats and bow in "humility" to the Maker...

And during the religious festivities, they prey on needy women, and buy them for 10$ a question of a one night for a quick Muta'a marriage...in the name of Allah and his Messenger.

These are the killers, but there are also the merchants, who do the same, without the killing, they just kill by increasing prices and by hoarding...and there are the politicians who are corrupt to the bone, who steal non stop...they also give their "salawat" to the Messenger, and visit shrines with grand airs of piety...and there are the ordinary ones, the you and me kind of people, giving you great words to lure your soul, but it is only a lure, the lure of false piety...for the aggrandizement of their false selves, they too carry their share of lies and hypocrisy...transpiring through their daily acts...

You see now, when I tell you that whenever you hear a message, always look at the messenger and his deeds. Anything short of that are just words with no weight, you can easily throw away. Because it is only the authenticity of the messenger that will guarantee how you will receive the message. In other words, his intention will reach you well before his message does. If you only knew...

April 5, 2011

Homesick.

I've written much about Exile, drawing upon my feelings and of those around me...it's never an easy subject to tackle, to confront, to ponder, to look at...

The thought itself, even though a stark reality, a daily lived one, is somehow always pushed at the back of my mind...I don't want to acknowledge it, I don't want to face it, I don't want to think about it...I stuff it in some corner and wish it will disappear by itself...but it doesn't. It will simply not go away.

Lately I've been overwhelmed with that feeling of Exile. Not quite the right word. The right word is Homesick - Home Sick. Sick for Home.

When this happens, my first reaction is to distract myself, like play hide and seek with it, diminish it, brush it off, pretend it's not there...and the more I do that, the stronger it knocks on my door, and the more I do that, the stronger it penetrates my house, like a burst dam of water that starts flooding the place...a deluge of feelings, of emotions that nothing can stop or sweep away...

When this happens, I know that I can no longer play hide and seek with it, I know that the water level has reached a point where it needs to be acknowledged, recognized and validated...it needs to be given an identity, a name, and oddly enough a place of belonging. It's like this homesickness is asking me to belong to something...to a place. I suppose you'd call that Attachment.

So faced with this deluge, I decided to swim in the waters instead of just watching the waves grow on an illusory shore of safety...for I know from experience, roaring waters when not faced will always grow into a tsunami...that is the nature of feelings, of emotions...they have this water quality to them.

I realized all the little tricks I play with myself, with it - the homesickness - keeping it at bay...the things I avoid doing, or keep at a strict minimum. For instance, I avoid looking at pictures of Baghdad, videos of Baghdad. I who absolutely loves cooking, avoid cooking Iraqi food unless there is a great urge to do so, I try other foods, as exotic, but foods that take me to farther away places, places away from my homesickness. I avoid listening to Iraqi songs, unless my hand unconsciously picks a CD, or clicks on a youtube video. I avoid discussing "it" with friends, with family, with strangers...if the subject is broached, I change it, I pretend I did not hear. I avoid meeting with other Iraqis. I avoid going to Iraqi grocers, restaurants, shops...but above all, I try hard to banish pictures, memories, sentences, faces, places from my mind.

This strategy of mine has obviously not worked very well, since am here writing about "it".

The truth of the matter that I refuse to face is that I can't go back home, I can't return.
Had I kept my mouth shut since 2003, I would have stood a chance, but not now, not anymore. I know that the minute I'll land in Baghdad, I will disappear in some "democracy" dungeon, like many others have...I will not only endanger my life but also that of my family. This is a great responsibility. People don't understand that. People are stupid, people are so stupid...people are beyond stupid. They just sit and read my blog and pontificate, they understand nothing because they do not wish to understand the reality of this occupation. They refuse to see. They simply refuse to see the truth that I and a few others put our lives on the line for...Bad faith. Arrogance. Stubbornness. Myopia. They just sit and get titillated with the writings...either loving or hating it...but it stops there...there is no after reflection, there is no deductive thinking...there is no imagination, there is no Reality for them. People are indeed stupid.

Maybe this is one of the reasons I have not blogged as much about Iraq...maybe because deep inside of myself I find it to be a "cause perdue", a lost cause and am left with the skeletons, my memories and this homesickness that gnaws at me in silence, when everyone else goes to sleep.


Seeing that this is the case, that this is the reality of the matter, I stuff "it", I shove "it", I hide "it", I cover "it" up...how can I afford thinking, feeling "it"...how can I afford facing the prospects that I might never go back ?! Just the idea in itself kills me...

Let's face it, am not 16, 18, 24, or even 30...am in my midlife...whatever this may mean. The question that poses itself is when then ?! Of course my elders have it tougher, because they know time is really running out...so the denial gets thicker, under walls of silence, I understand that...I really do...the pain would be too great to bear. Denial is sometimes a good thing.

So what do we do with our longings, yearnings...what do we do with the thought that we will never be able to return ? Where do we hide these, what can we cover them up with and for how long ?

I get feelings of envy and rage, whenever I hear of a foreigner going to Baghdad...I say to myself, this piece of shit can go to my country and here I am, I can't even set foot in my own land. And each time, I die a little more inside...

Last time an acquaintance went there, he asked me if I wanted anything - I said yes, bring me back a little earth, some mud from the river bank, in a plastic bag...I want to smell it again.
I never saw that handful of land, never smelled it...it got lost, among so many other things...


So has my home, so has my homesickness...




This is an old Iraqi song my grandma used to hum often...

Singer : Iraqi Bashar Al Azzawi
Video produced and uploaded by: FadiShabella.

April 4, 2011

Yemen, etcetera...

I can already see the "left" and its "activists" drooling...they've already been shouting - freedom all the way from Tunis, to Egypt, to Libya, to Yemen...oh my what nobility of intentions!

Well drool some more "nice" advocates of political freedom and social justice, ha!

Just got this in and read it well. And read between the lines...if at all possible...but that would necessitate a bit of brains...sorely lacking in the sheep mentality.

But in any case what difference does it really make ? Knowing you bloody lot, you would be salivating even more...Uncle Sam is directing the show and you just love it despite your o'such "progressive liberal marxist anti-oppression" facades and veneers...

Here it comes the Reuters header -- hot from the Arab oven.

U.S. now seeks removal of Yemeni president: The United States has concluded Yemen's President Ali Abdullah Saleh will not likely enact reforms demanded by opposition protesters (who happen to be the Houthis and/ or affiliated/ linked to and armed by Iran for the most part - my italics) and must be eased out of office. Rest of article here.

Undoubtedly our "progressive liberal leftist" will find this other piece of the "Arab Spring Revolution" most welcoming.

Better get a bucket ready next to my computer, I am preparing myself  to read more vomiting stuff on Twitter and elsewhere...


Nota Bene to Self : US/UK : Saddam Hussein must go. US/France: Ben Ali must leave. US: Hosni Mubarak must step down. US/UK/NATO: Gaddafi must be removed . US : Ali A.Saleh must be eased out...
Still waiting for a few more orders on Iran. Iraq and Syria's leadership...am not sure they will be forthcoming, not in the foreseeable future, definitely not before Saudi Arabia's turn. I hope am wrong, but usually am not.

April 2, 2011

Leftists, Activists and all that Bloody Jazz...

I really should stop reading other people's tweets and I should quit Twitter altogether...alternatively I should just talk to myself and pay zero attention to what others are talking about, because 9 times out of 10 they are talking from their asses.

The latest in line of pure bullshit coming from so-called liberals, lefties and activists for "human rights and social/political justice" is the abysmal stand on Libya. Truly disgraceful, shocking, flabbergasting...you name it they are guilty of it...

I observe people's reactions on the famous social media that has led so called "Spring Revolutions" in the Arab world...when the troubles first started in Libya, I said to myself - Foul play, foul play, I smell one big fat rat here and I don't like it one bit.

A reader and follower of the Iraqi tragedy of which I am part, has taught me to take every thing with a huge grain of salt...in particular all these movements for "democratic change" in the Arab world. I say so, because I am very aware that one cannot divorce domestic politics from geopolitics, nor from international politics.

Yet again, not learning from the Iraqi catastrophe, the sheep of the liberal left, the so called pioneers of activism and political change have fallen in the same trap again and again and again....

At the beginning all these idiots on Twitter and Facebook were crying for Libya, hundreds of videos were circulating, mocking Gaddafi, the regime, his sons, and the rest...

Within the space of less than a month, Libya has turned from a functioning society to a country in chaos, subjected to bombs by the West, again !

Gaddafi did say (and I don't want to hear that same bullshit question that was asked when Iraq was invaded and totally annihilated in 2003, so you love Saddam Hussein right? Love has nothing to do with it o'luminaries of politics, but sovereignty does). So Gaddafi did say that the rebels - so called revolutionaries - had ties to Al-Qaeda. He was not lying. It turned out to be true, but not only that, it also turned that the CIA is funding the opposition, helping them set up an independent oil ministry and funding Al-Qaeda in Libya.

And this is exactly what the Americans did in Iraq, a role that was later taken on by the Iranians - funding Al-Qaeda. The famous Al-Qaeda that has become the primary justification, the casus belli for a protracted war on "terror" which just happens to be taking place in the Arab & Muslim World. From Afghanistan, to Iraq, to Pakistan and now Libya. But we are all assured that it has nothing to do with being an Arab nor a Muslim. They just want you to be FREE.

Today on that same worthless medium called Twitter, those same protagonists of "Democracy" are crying crocodile tears about Libyan civilian losses due to NATO bombs and where DU (depleted uranium) is used again. Giving themselves a semblance of good conscience, this same morally depraved lot is assuring the Libyan people that their "revolution" has been hijacked by Imperialism....of course those same hypocrites will not admit that they were the first ones to encourage the "imperialist liberation" of yet another Arab country, just like they did in Iraq.

Now getting to Syria, these same spineless, worthless leftists, activists, liberals, have suddenly fallen in love with Bashar Al-Assad, his style of Baathism is not repressive at all, he has become a hero in their eyes...and do you know why ? Come on have a wild guess. Iran.

Yes Iran. Because Syria is aligned with Iran, the repression in Syria is totally kosher. Nay, it's even a sign of strong patriotism and nationalism.

But mum's the word when the protests took place throughout Iraq, and when report after report shows the real terror taking place under the sectarian Shiite fascist puppet government of Iraq, installed by both the US and Iran. And mum's the word on the gross unimaginable torture and human rights violations taking place in the new Democracy called Iraq. Silence, total silence from those debased political hypocrites who are as guilty as the worst of any tyrant, dictator or imperialist...

This is the filth, the daily filth I see in front of my very eyes in your so called social media of the "Arab Spring Revolution".