July 15, 2008

Attachment...


I was not sure what to call this post and where to publish it either. Here or on the Uncensored one. What should I call it ? On Death , Parallel Lives or just Attachment ? And why the Uncensored blog and not here ?

I've been debating fine lines with myself... Not that it really matters to you, but for me they are important. This may stem from my new compulsion - that of finding order or creating order in my life, after all this chaos. A possible, pathetic attempt to categorize, compartmentalize, events and people, so this feeling of total loss of control, becomes less acute...

In the end, it does not really matter. Just as the dead don't request their exact place of burial, these fine lines are irrelevant too.

Some dying people do request their place of burial. What a luxury ! They specify in advance the exact location, the rites and who should be invited to their funeral.

I have often wondered, and I do admit, I can be quite macabre when it comes to parallel lives - what is easiest - Sudden or Protracted ?

Like what is easiest a bullet in the head, a sudden heart attack or some long agony through torture or some disease ?

Don't give me your replies yet. It all depends, really.

For the person who leaves, I suppose sudden is best but am not sure...I sometimes like to think that protracted is more painful but a more lucid way of going.

Sudden seems like instant coffee to me. No real preparation and no flavor.

But then I think again and I suppose, sudden is easiest for the one who departs and hardest for those around him/her. They were given no time to prepare themselves, unlike the protracted one about to leave...

It is all really a question of balance. Who gets what first.

Not that I want to get flippant about Death. But, really at the end of the Day, and this is what Death is all about - the End of a Day - and a long journey ahead or maybe not...

Had theologians, priests, rabbis, sheiks, monks and seers been more clement vis a vis this journey, am sure more of us would welcome it with open arms. I suppose they just projected their own fears and ideologies and most of us followed them like sheep...to Hell.

I must admit, God could have also pro-actively chipped in with more positive affirmations about the whole thing. Instead of this all or nothing proposal. You either dwell in heaven or you rot in the fire...All or nothing. Terrible, really.

What if you were half-half ? Like half an angel and half a demon ? Or what if you were just an ordinary human ? Where would you exactly fit in, in the after life ?

I am still debating if this is a morbid subject or not. I suppose it all depends on how you receive it.

Which brings me to the subject of attachment.

How easily we get attached. We get attached to family, people, places, things, ideas and causes...or anything else...

And when we are meant to leave, our pain and that of those around us, is proportional to our attachment. Except for objects. They don't give a damn if you love them or not...But you do.

The more attached we/they are, the harder it is to let go. The less attached, the easier...

Attachment is often underestimated and misunderstood. On the one hand we need attachment to realize ourselves and on the other, attachment can prove to be our greatest handicap. I agree, it is a mind fuck.

How to strike the balance is a lifetime endeavor. Not that I have done so myself. I keep oscillating...

OK, let's cut the chase here. I have lost two good friends, suddenly. And another, in a protracted fashion - all in the space of 6 months.
For the latter, I was prepared. But totally unprepared for the former(s). Sudden deaths are sudden for both parties. I feel very sad I can't attend his/her funeral. OK am lying. I don't believe he/she is dead. So suddenly...

I don't like the word "suddenly". Elements of surprise don't go well with me. They suddenly throw me back to Attachment.Or the sudden loss of It.

Painting : Iraqi artist, Mohamad Msyir, "The Sun", 2007.