March 19, 2010

Another Year, Another Post. - 4

A Frightening Reality

 Well I did warn, I did say I am not sure how or when this will end...I knew when I turned that key into that locked door, I was opening a can of worms...

Needless to say I had much difficulty falling asleep, and when I eventually did, I was woken up every hour or so with terrible nightmares. I am not sure if nightmare is the correct word, more like very powerful dreams, one sequence after another, that left me drenched in cold sweat, gasping for air...

I could not fall asleep, even though I was dead tired...I kept tossing and turning and out of the blue images of my dying grandmother flashed before my eyes...I saw when uncle handed me her medical report, the first thing I read was - Prognosis Negative. It was too late to do anything. Not that there was much we could do in view of the circumstances...the family decided not to tell her how ill she was...but she knew...

I remember being by her side and holding her frail transparent hands, with the blue veins showing, all dried up...I said " Bibi, it will all be fine " - she smiled and said "I know why am so ill, it's the wars, they killed me...I kept the frights inside and now they are killing me..."

Do those who pride themselves on "Liberation and Mission Accomplished" ever think of how "frights kept inside" actually act like delayed time bombs and bullets? Do the Medical Associations of the "civilized" world, ever consider the long term effects, of such a "negative prognosis" ? I very much doubt it...I very much doubt that Bibi or the thousand others will ever cross their callous indifferent minds...

So against this background of specific memories, I finally managed to doze off, only to be shaken out of this much desired state by potent sequences of a dream...

I dreamt it was pitch black all around me...I was in some airport tarmac, I had just landed and about to cross a border...I was carrying no luggage, there was no suitcase waiting for me...I only had a small plastic bag with essentials in it...

I saw my dad waiting for me on the other side of the fence...I had to go through customs but I had no papers, no documents...they checked and re-checked the contents of my plastic bag, I was delayed...I told my dad, I will join them later on, I am being kept here for a while...

The second sequence was also very potent...I then saw myself in a gathering of men, Arab men from different nationalities...supposedly "supporters of the cause", they were just sitting drinking coffee and smoking...and theorizing...they were Lebanese, Palestinians, Syrians, for the most part...and at the same time they were trying to sell me things, goods -- stuff that was worthless...I said to one of them, but I have already paid you so much, and I got nothing in return, why should I pay you more ? you have given me nothing... he retorted - come on, you know how much we care about you, we even gave you a discount... I replied - a discount for what ?! you gave me nothing, I gave you everything I had... So one of the guys hugged me and said - you know we are brothers and I said - are we really ?....I left this gathering very upset, and headed to the empty street, again it was pitch black...again I was carrying nothing but this plastic bag...

The third sequence was the most telling....as I was walking down that dark street, a car pulls up on the curb, I noticed it had no lights, I felt danger...the man in the car said - have no fear I live here in this street...but he had an Egyptian accent and he was driving a car that had no Egyptian license plates...and in the dream I was not in Egypt...I knew he was lying and that I was in trouble...He got out of the car, he was a very big man, looked like a monster, he just put his hands on my mouth and he tried to rape me...I fought back as hard as I could, I wanted to scream, shout, but he suffocated my voice with his big hands, I had a small alarm in my hand, like a small siren, emitting the same sound when the bombs were about to fall...I sounded the siren, it was loud...I could hear it in the empty street, I was waiting for my "brothers" to show up -- no one did...

I woke up trembling...I felt so nauseous I wanted to vomit, but I had nothing in my stomach to vomit...I laid in bed for a while gathering my senses, reminding myself it was just a dream...only to realize that it was no dream, it was reality...

Iraq was betrayed, raped and abandoned by Her Arab "brothers" first..