December 22, 2009

A Reunion. 2

I have finally come round to finishing this post.

Finishing is a big word, there is no end here...nothing but a vicious circle that no one seems to be able to escape from...

I don't quite understand why I have been willfully procrastinating about this post.

I mean, I've already written about "hard" issues before. All of my posts are "hard" issues, yet I feel such reticence when it comes to writing about this particular relative and our meeting....

After all, this is not the first relative who has been through the grinder, the meat mincer of the Occupation...

R. went through it too, and I even posted the pictures of his black, red and green body on this blog, I called it the map of Iraq.

So why am I having such difficulties with this one ?

Of course, I can still write a brief summary of the information I learned. But I do not wish to do so -- R, K, O and A are not numbers, are not headless robots, are not some anonymous faceless person to me...

I need to write what was said but in the right context, giving respect to what was not said, re-introducing the human, personal dimension - a dimension that has been lost, obliterated, when it comes to Iraq and to Her people.

We've become numbers and even on that front, inaccurate ones...we've become the "oh no, not another one of them", we've become "oh well, they keep killing each other, let them deal with it", we've become, " my, what an ungrateful lot, after all what we've done for them and to them"...

How to write about a reunion with someone who smiles to you with eyes glistening with tears, held up in the corners, like in some army checkpoint ?

How to write about a reunion with someone whose scars are well hidden under his coat but keep nudging him into sitting sideways, on the edge of the seat, because it's too painful to sit straight...

How to write about a reunion where the pronoun "I" is hardly ever mentioned ?

How to write and preserve and give justice to the Dignity that was suspended like a lighted torch above us ?

I want to, but I simply can't for now.

I may need to "process" it (what a horrible word), slowly, bit by bits within myself first...as if one can "process" such instants...as if one can transfer them from the pending file to the "done deal" file...as if one can make abstraction of the faces...as if one can behead the person in one's mind...

Process -- I've been blogging for over 3 years and I am unable to process anything...

It's not like a one time trauma that you can eventually overcome through a talking cure...if at all. This is ongoing...and we're entering the 7th year now.

Spare me your thoughts of forgiveness for Christmas. Have some respect and stop infantilising others with your idiotic, hollow, preaching. Have some respect for the people whose lives you deeply damaged and ruined. We are not robots in one of your crap science fiction Hollywood films.

Have some respect.

This is no cheap thriller, nor some crass exotic novel you can peruse during your spare time.

Neither us, nor our lives, nor me, nor my blog, are some show where you can get the latest gossip...or where you can get it off in your minds with one more sign of victory or some hot piece of news...

Have some respect, as I am trying to keep the aura of respect intact around a reunion, I am still unable to write about.