The Darkness of Psyche...


I am messy...Actually, I've become messy, sort of messy even though I like order.
Somehow a mass of disorder, a gaping void has taken over and a nonchalant reticence on my part in not remedying to it.

I have noticed this trend in myself...It comes in bouts, as if one minute I feel I have to be in "control" of my life and the next minute, this imperiousness slips away from me and I am just a spectator, watching it on a screen.

The screen is sometimes colored, sometimes in black and white...

Take for instance my personal picture collection, I hardly have any photos with me here, except a few, close family members. But if you open my pictures icon on my desktop, you will find hundreds of pictures - all related to Iraq.

Just the other day, I was taken by this urge to establish order again. I thought to myself, I really need to classify these pictures by subject matter and place them in neat folders instead of this Chaos.

I opened my pictures folder and had it laid out on a full screen...I had one look, an overall look -- like when you meet someone for the first time and you have this "vue d'ensemble." That is what I did, I had a "vue d'ensemble" and what I saw was both hideous and beautiful at the same time.

Hideous, because I had amassed a vast collection of photos since 2003.

I have the Prisoner's collection. Abu Ghraib with the tortured and mutilated bodies, and Blood leaving its traces on the corridors of this dungeon like some scheduled visitor coming daily to check on you. Naked, hungry, chained, diseased, forgotten...and that same visitor never fails to show up.

Then there are what I like to call the Crematory/Furnace pictures. A collection of burned bodies, sort of charcoaled like those from Falluja and Mosul,and the braised skin has become a kind of a uniform blue black, a blanket...Maybe the only blanket.

There are also the Butcher's photos. They are like these pieces of skinned meat, dangling in front of a butcher's window. And you stand and stare at them. Pinkish, whitish, red, and brown. Raouf was one of these pieces of meat dangling at the butcher's window. There were a few others, hanging there from the ceiling, from hooks, crooks and nails, pierced, cut and well sliced by the butcher's knife. Chunks here and there...A few were like heads of sheep with no eyes, and others were bulkier, like some cattle, and some were tiny like lambs about to be broiled...

I also have the Freezer's compartment. The Freezer's compartment can be subdivided into three parts. The morgue with its piles of bodies, dying to get some coolness before their final decomposition and the vicinity of the morgue, where they are lying in the sun, like carcasses, wrapped in white plastic or a white cloth, about to taste the refreshing shade of the graves...I also included the mass graves in the Freezer's collection, because they have already tasted the coldness of the earth.

There is this other category which I call the Blood and Limbs Bank. Pictures in red, all bloody. Blood running on the faces, in the streets, on the clothes, in the rivers, on the walls, on the pavements. And limbs...limbs everywhere. Arms, hands, feet, legs, thighs, torsos and heads, of course...A collage of blood and limbs, dispersed in no orderly fashion, glued to the floor, to the grounds, with super glue, with super Death...

Then I have the Rubbles collection. Cement, bricks, walls, buildings, schools, homes, huts, shops, cars, buses, bicycles, carts....all smashed and turned into rubbles, scrap metal, junk, debris and stones...

I also have the Accessories Department. Chains, rods, hoses, sticks, ropes, drills, barbed wire, wooden boxes, cages, handcuffs, sand bags, polyester bags, duct tapes, plastic bracelets, coffins, gallows and the remnants of a name, an identity number or a tattoo.

I also have the Emergency Room. Hospitals, naked hospitals, dirty sheets, expired medication, stained floors, cholera patients, cancer patients, all sorts of patients, looking at empty shelves, waiting at the doors of the empty doctor's offices, at the empty nurse's quarters, empty...but for Sickness ruling unguarded.

There is another section for Knowledge and Culture. Destroyed universities, empty schools, names that have disappeared, broken benches, smashed blackboards, burned books, ravaged libraries, exploded churches and minarets, looted museums, razed monuments, slit statues, looted artifacts, cracked ruins...

Then there is the Women's only. Raped, beheaded, exiled, crying, wailing, screaming, imploring, pulling their hair out, bereaved, lost, suicidal and all dressed in black...That black that follows them and I everywhere.

I also have the Children's corner. Confused, bewildered, begging, scavenging, abandoned, starving, thirsty, sick, abused, molested, imprisoned, trafficked, sold, bought,finished... A finished Childhood before it was even born.

There is also what I like to call the Ecological Lodge. Piles, hills and mountains of garbage, monuments of garbage, and sewage, swimming pools of putrid water...Urban environmental planning, made of walls, a wall to the East, a wall to the West, and between each wall, another wall...A barren soil impregnated with toxic death particles. Rivers that lost their colors and have turned into a dull grey, with still fishermen pulling out the Dead, dead fish and dead bodies. Deserted crops and fields and palm trees catching fire, pleading for help from an asphyxiated brown sky...

And amidst this hideousness, amidst the darkness of Psyche, Psyche that has unleashed all of its deathly powers on my Beloved, leaving nothing of Her but a skeleton, not even...

I see my Nostalgia collection. Pictures from old postcards, where colors were allowed, smiling faces playing ball, a family having a picnic, two lovers by the river bank, a patio of a home hiding behind a lush grove, a starry night illuminating the city of my Beloved, a flowing river shining like silver in the sun, a forever green palm tree spreading its shade to hold the fresh dampness of the earth...

And next to my Nostlagia, there is the Creative Room. Photos of artwork, Iraqi Art. Brushes of expression and story telling, of speaking, of giving, of grasping, of touching, of embracing...Strokes of passion, strokes of genius, strokes of brilliance, made in sweat, blood and tears, pouring forth from the depths of the Iraqi soul onto a canvass, keeping the Torch burning...

I finally decided neither to classify them, nor to put them in any neat order.
I shall leave them as is. A mix, a combination, a medley of black and white, of colors, of a deliberate Hideousness and a creative Beauty.

I shall leave them as is...ugly, grotesque pieces, the work of a dark, evil Psyche, transpierced with arrows -- rays of pure Light.


Artwork: Iraqi artist, Amir Khatib.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Thanks for this beautiful and heartbreaking piece, Layla. Maybe you're right in leaving the pictures as they are ...

I have my own large collection of Iraqi children's pain and loss, for which, I am convinced, there will be retribution from God. May we get to see the day ... soon. Perhaps, it's already beginning? The beggars/barbarians are broke and living off borrowed money, which can't last too long, can it?

In solidarity.
KM said…
Hi Layla.
Hi Little Deer.

Yes yer picture collection is proof that the words of the 'great liberators' do not match the evidence.

Their words never did match the actual evidence; mushroom clouds / mobile weapons labs / WMD's / yellow cake / dictatorship / threat to regional peace, etc.

America IS a threat to regional peace / does have mobile weapons labs / yellow cake / WMD's / mushroom clouds / and a corporate-government that is dictating, etc....and there IS evidence to prove it.

The US corporate - government is taking over corporations. Most call it bail outs but when the governemnt has vested interest in a corporation(s)..I will call them take-overs.

They began doing it by stock ownership ( see CAFR1.COM if interested ). Now its moved to taking them over and their assets.

We are a nation of retards that just continue to look to the gov-corp to save us all. Ask the wolf to watch over the chickens and the wolf will say, " Sure..any time.....glad ya asked By the way, ya got a key to where the chickens are?."
bARABie said…
"I also have the Accessories Department. Chains, rods, hoses, sticks, ropes, drills, barbed wire, wooden boxes, cages, handcuffs, sand bags, polyester bags, duct tapes, plastic bracelets, coffins, gallows and the remnants of a name, an identity number or a tattoo."

This just made me think of the sex shops they have in the west with all their huge range of Bondage & Discipline gear like "ropes" "handcuffs", "duct tapes" and so on.
A society that provides over the counter torture is a very sick society.
bARABie said…
Oh, it's when you write like this that you shone the most as a writer.
Bravo!

PS Your dilemma is still unsolved but i will keep trying.
Anonymous said…
Hi Barabie :)

Personally I've never understood why some consider whips and chains fun in the bedroom.

Each to their own I guess but....... yeah Pervert is what springs to mind.
Kali Manitou said…
Mothers have a classic line to get their children clean up their room. They say to their children:"As your room looks, so is inside of your mind".
I guess in this day & age it's the desktop that reflects the mind. I love the zen-approach. 2 icons on the desktop, maybe a recent attachment or a video of some freedom fighters blowing up some occupiers into kingdom cum, that i downloaded. Everything else is down in the folders, never forgotten but rendered harmless not to interfere with the freshness of the new day. No confusion about the picture of a young woman, so young that she would be considered a child in some places but could be disfigured by some freak, prospective husband with acid to her face in some other place because she refused to accept marriage saying she's too young. With mangled steel in the background and blood on the street, a child next to her that could be her child or brother or unrelated. Add some burned flesh and dangling limbs and the picture is complete. Go into fragments and it;'s impossible to classify, pull back to the macro and where do you stop?
"war pix", "gore section", "democracy for you", "pain", "pleasure", "flowers", "nature", "Black&white", "raw", "decadence".........
Just pictures. Still, unchanging pictures that reflect reality that is no more but also the reality that doesn't go away.
Like names, 'Babylon', 'Fallujah', 'Samarkant', 'Quds', 'Algiers', 'Tenochtitlan', 'Hiroshima', 'Bay of pigs', 'Stalingrad', 'Compiègne'... they all get their meaning with the mind that reads it.
So it is true that there's a corelation between the mind and what it creates.
Or is it the created predicament that creates the mind? Where is the freedom? Is it in the attachment and reasoning or is it in the ability to be able to say a caring, compassionate: 'nevermind'.......
I don't know. I'm slit between what makes me think and what makes me happy. I'm whole when I love and think and happiness makes me disappear. But how often does that happen?
Only NOW.
Anonymous said…
urungu said...

Mothers have a classic line to get their children clean up their room. They say to their children:"As your room looks, so is inside of your mind".
I guess in this day & age it's the desktop that reflects the mind. I love the zen-approach. 2 icons on the desktop, maybe a recent attachment or a video of some freedom fighters blowing up some occupiers into kingdom cum, that i downloaded. Everything else is down in the folders, never forgotten but rendered harmless not to interfere with the freshness of the new day. No confusion about the picture of a young woman, so young that she would be considered a child in some places but could be disfigured by some freak, prospective husband with acid to her face in some other place because she refused to accept marriage saying she's too young. With mangled steel in the background and blood on the street, a child next to her that could be her child or brother or unrelated. Add some burned flesh and dangling limbs and the picture is complete. Go into fragments and it;'s impossible to classify, pull back to the macro and where do you stop?
"war pix", "gore section", "democracy for you", "pain", "pleasure", "flowers", "nature", "Black&white", "raw", "decadence".........
Just pictures. Still, unchanging pictures that reflect reality that is no more but also the reality that doesn't go away.
Like names, 'Babylon', 'Fallujah', 'Samarkant', 'Quds', 'Algiers', 'Tenochtitlan', 'Hiroshima', 'Bay of pigs', 'Stalingrad', 'Compiègne'... they all get their meaning with the mind that reads it.
So it is true that there's a corelation between the mind and what it creates.
Or is it the created predicament that creates the mind? Where is the freedom? Is it in the attachment and reasoning or is it in the ability to be able to say a caring, compassionate: 'nevermind'.......
I don't know. I'm slit between what makes me think and what makes me happy. I'm whole when I love and think and happiness makes me disappear. But how often does that happen?
Only NOW.

---

shut the fuck up
Anonymous said…
Janice said...

Hi Barabie :)

Personally I've never understood why some consider whips and chains fun in the bedroom.

---

why r u telling us this??? i personally dont understand why some are attracted to big tits but u dont see me going around asking why on iraqi blogs do u???
Anonymous said…
bARABie said...

Oh, it's when you write like this that you shone the most as a writer.
Bravo!

--

i've read better



PS Your dilemma is still unsolved but i will keep trying.


--

what dilema?
Anonymous said…
oh and he slices a forehand wide!

15-30
Anonymous said…
bARABie said...

"I also have the Accessories Department. Chains, rods, hoses, sticks, ropes, drills, barbed wire, wooden boxes, cages, handcuffs, sand bags, polyester bags, duct tapes, plastic bracelets, coffins, gallows and the remnants of a name, an identity number or a tattoo."

This just made me think of the sex shops they have in the west with all their huge range of Bondage & Discipline gear like "ropes" "handcuffs", "duct tapes" and so on.

---

what other stuff do they have??
Anonymous said…
KM said...

blah blah blah

We are a nation of retards....

---

well said
Anonymous said…
Little Deer said...

Thanks for this beautiful and heartbreaking piece, Layla. Maybe you're right in leaving the pictures as they are ...

I have my own large collection of Iraqi children's pain and loss, for which, I am convinced, there will be retribution from God. May we get to see the day ... soon. Perhaps, it's already beginning? The beggars/barbarians are broke and living off borrowed money, which can't last too long, can it?

---

i dont think there'll be any retribution from "god", and if the economy of the us goes down....so does the rest of the worlds
Anonymous said…
Roger Federer, how are your wife and your baby girl doing ?
Anonymous said…
Anonymous said...

Roger Federer, how are your wife and your baby girl doing ?

--

what the hell r u talking abt???
Anonymous said…
layla i am sensing u r growing more detached from your blog lately.......plz can u confirm whether or not this is the case, and if so, what are the reasons behind this????
Anonymous said…
what a rally we have on here!

a cross court forehand to the backhand of federer
a midcourt drop shot return from henman
federer can just about reach it but it should be an easy put away for henman
oh but he's mis-hit it and federer may be able to get to it!...
federer scrambles to reach it but he's managed to keep it in play somehow
henman drives a forehand down the line
AND WHAT A RETURN BY FEDERER!!! WHAT A SHOT!!

ALLEZ!

AN INSIDE-OUT FOREHAND FROM THE BACK OF THE COURT WHEN FOR ALL THE WORLD HE LOOKED LIKED A BEATEN MAN. TRULY BREATHTAKING STUFF FROM THE CHAMPION

30 ALL
Anonymous said…
Roger Federer, don't try to play dumb muppet, it's clear as daylight that you are JR, and JR DOES have a wife and a little daughter.
Anonymous said…
And We will always love You...
Anonymous said…
Roger Federer, aka JR!! = "and if the economy of the us goes down....so does the rest of the worlds"

Let's hope that the rest of the world has better economic sense and far more sensible plans for the future, MINUS barbaric and debt-ridden US. Yes, the rest of the world may feel the effect initially, but I believe we're getting there. The blood of millions of innocents, not to mention the living whose lives have been wrecked, crying to the heavens for Justice will not go unheard.
Anonymous said…
Sorry Layla, this is a little off topic - but relevant, but I can vent only here ...

Retribution MUST come, for this and for all the atrocities committed in Iraq (there's also Vietnam, etc., but those are different pages in history):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=diNO0in4m_M

My prayers flood the heavens.
Anonymous said…
thank you Layla for the enlightenment you bring to me - your most recent post should be published on the front page of every newspaper in the world ~ lay bare the lies of the ruling elite as the horrible lying murderous fuckers that they are ~ how i wish it was so. We just GOTTA keep believing TRUTH WILL win in the end. "in solidarity" i see some responders end their missives to you ~ and i agree with that, IN SOLIDARITY - from your friendly fellow human bean - amy
bARABie said…
Layla, did you get my email?
Anonymous said…
Hi Km, nice to see you - it's such a pity that you have to be in that awful place ...

Layla, hope all's well? More carnage in Baghdad yesterday ...

In solidarity.
bARABie said…
Hey Janice, sorry i missed your comment before.
Anonymous said…
I LOVE IRAQ
Anonymous said…
NO TO BUSH

NO TO AHMADINEJAD

YES TO THE HEIRS OF SADDAM HUSSEIN
Anonymous said…
ARABS EVERYWHERE UNITE
Anonymous said…
ALLONS ENFANTS DE MéSOPOTAMIE
Anonymous said…
GOD SAVE OUR GRACIOUS LAYLA
Anonymous said…
RESISTANCE - BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT
Anonymous said…
MAKE HISTORY, DON'T MAKE MERRY
Anonymous said…
DARE TO GET REAL
Anonymous said…
I FIGHT, THEREFORE I AM
Anonymous said…
DELENDA ZION
Anonymous said…
LOVING IRAQ MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY I AM TIRED
Anonymous said…
BUT BUSH SAYS HE WAS A TYRANT

...AND BUSH IS SUCH A HONORABLE MAN
Anonymous said…
THERE IS ONE ARAB NATION AND IRAQ IS HER DEFENDER
Anonymous said…
BRING 'EM OUT
Anonymous said…
PASDARAN NO PASARAN
Anonymous said…
AL QUDS OR DEATH
Anonymous said…
FEAR THE PERSIANS EVEN WHEN THEY BRING PRESENTS
Anonymous said…
LAYLA'S BEAUTY SHALL SAVE THE WORLD
Anonymous said…
IRAQ LIGHT UPON THE NATIONS
Anonymous said…
HONNI SOIT QUI MAL Y EXPORTE
Anonymous said…
TO BE ARABS OR NOT TO BE ANYMORE ? THAT IS THE QUESTION.
Anonymous said…
ALL POWER TO THE IRAQI RESISTANCE
Anonymous said…
BIL ROOH BIL DAM NIFDEEK YA SADDAM
Anonymous said…
FROM THE SEA THEY CAME, AND INTO THE SEA THEY WILL RETURN
Anonymous said…
RIEN NOUS NE RENIONS RIEN
Anonymous said…
LEAVE ALL HOPE BEHIND, YOU WHO INVADE
Anonymous said…
LET JUSTICE BE
Anonymous said…
PAOLA PISI A SAINT NOW
Anonymous said…
GOOD NIGHT TO ALL
Anonymous said…
Anonymous above: Your behaviour on this site is infantile - grow up.
Anonymous said…
Anonymous said...

GOOD NIGHT TO ALL

---

anon u dumb bastard, everyone seeing the increase in comments is expecting layla to have replied
Anonymous said…
bARABie said...

Hey Janice, sorry i missed your comment before.

--

yeah bARABie u missed her comment, so bloody what??? was it really necessary for you to type this out and tell the rest of us?! this is exactly the kind of banal crap we need to cut out if this blog is gonna move forward
Anonymous said…
Little Deer said...

Roger Federer, aka JR!! = "and if the economy of the us goes down....so does the rest of the worlds"

Let's hope that the rest of the world has better economic sense and far more sensible plans for the future, MINUS barbaric and debt-ridden US. Yes, the rest of the world may feel the effect initially, but I believe we're getting there. The blood of millions of innocents, not to mention the living whose lives have been wrecked, crying to the heavens for Justice will not go unheard.

--

little dear....im no economics expert, far from it, but from what i have read, it doesnt matter how much economic sense another country has, all countries are tied to the us whether they like it or not........if they go down, everyone else goes down....which might not be a bad thing, i think everyone would agree we need a fresh start
Anonymous said…
Who am I ? The eternal Question . Have not figured it out fully yet . All you need to know about me is that I am a Middle Easterner, an Arab Woman - into my 40's and old enough to know better. I have no homeland per se. I live in Iraq, Lebanon, Palestine, Jordan, Syria and Egypt simultaneously ... All the rest is icing on the cake. /Copyrights reserved, 2006-2008

----

layla when u become 50 will u be updating this description??
Anonymous said…
ok this topic has been discussed fully, and a conclusion reached, please lets move on and concentrate our efforts on the online political party.

bARABie, have u come up with a coherent political-socio-economic model yet?? what abt a discourse?

what should the party be called??

should we form a militant wing or will it be just a purely political party?

how do elect the leadership?

should we have quotas for various minorities or is everyone sufficiently sophisticated to be above such petty differences??

and there is a lot more we could be working on so plz lets all of us get a move on
Anonymous said…
Anonymous said...

Roger Federer, don't try to play dumb muppet, it's clear as daylight that you are JR, and JR DOES have a wife and a little daughter.

--

dont know what ure talking abt u numbnut
Anonymous said…
urungutun u son of a bitch u r hearby banned from the party u stupid piece of shit
Layla Anwar said…
Hello Everyone,

And happy Eid to all concerned.

Thank you @ Little Deer, I know how much you care about the little ones and not only...You are great.
Bless you and yours.


KM,

I will post that video soon, are we all going to sink with you lot ?
Like more sinking for Iraq ? Oh God no !

Barabie,

Hi, did not get your mail. Nothing at all. And thanks.

Hiya Amy, nice to read your words.
I agree with you about the govt, but blaming the govt alone is not enough. What about the fellow citizens of uncle Sam ?

Iraqi tv stations
And we love you too !

anonymous. Thank you for reminding us of the basics. God save us all.

Roger Federer, when I reach 50, I will abdicate and leave the place for others...And will enjoy my jubilee years, like the Queen of England. lol.
By the way, take it easy on the back hand.
bARABie said…
arabwomanblues@yahoo.com

Is that the address?
Because if it is then you must still have me blocked.
bARABie said…
check your spam folder.
And you are more than welcome just like i am "more than willing". :)
Kali Manitou said…
OH, roger federer can cut&paste...only if he could put together coherent ideas instead of random, incongruous quirks.
But it would take a 'special doggie training school for the retarded' to teach him that. I guess he can continue his "mad dog running after tennis balls" imitation in the meanwhile.
Good show roger federer....run buoy run!.
Kali Manitou said…
Only if I'd have as much time as that roger federer, I'd not spend it in blogs trying to feel important.
2-3 hours every day? really?
You sure are a formidable opponent to spar, little roger....in special olympics that is.
Layla Anwar said…
Barabie,

Yes that is the address but I still did not get anything from you.
bARABie said…
I emailed you again.

Check your spam folder.

My email is barabieoz@gmail.com, if you still haven't received anything from me, you email me.

My guess is that you have my email address blocked.
Anonymous said…
Ahoy! to the lady of substance and the rest of the folks.

America will sink sooner or later, and this notion that we can’t survive without a vibrant American economy is absolutely ludicrous. E.g. china is sitting healthy despite the current economic crisis. Even though the Chinese economy is interlinked with the American market just like the rest of the international markets are, China will survive because their economy is structured on self reliance. The global financial markets in the past had similar doubts that with the fall of Soviet Union the international markets will be destabilized-but on the contrary the markets behaved positively after the sun set on the soviet empire.

No bailout plan will work; they are all temporary measures since the deficit is greater than what is being quantified.
It’s a wakeup call for the developing world - as well as for the trading partners of America to formulate their own formula to stay afloat otherwise they can stay on deck of a sinking American vessel and reach the bottom. Bon voyage.

Well it won’t be a surprise if American states disintegrate just like we witnessed the soviets dissolve before our eyes.
Technically the western economies are in INTENSIVE CARE UNIT. Even though they don’t want to admit that they are in recession but the signs are evident.

America and its cronies have to pay for each drop of innocent blood they have shed in Iraq. The tides of economic woes are high and the natural disasters are a looming. What remains to be seen how long they can brave the tides.

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