August 6, 2006

The 25th Day or The Philosophy of Destruction

Days and nights are intermingled - Sleeping or trying to sleep at early dawn, a constant quarrel with the night approaching , something about darkness that disturbs me these days . I promise myself to lay down and switch off the light . Then I panick, a gut wrenching fear - I get up, to the pc, radio, tv anything that works and anything , anyone willing to give me news . When I do finally close my eyes , I am awakened by drenchs of warm sweat and a heart pounding , choking me ...
It has been like that for 25 days . Wars do that to you . They uproot you from your habits , they metaphorse you into a being that you no longer recognize . Many a time I catch glimpses of me in the mirror and I no longer recognize myself . As if every day has left its writing on my face , deep prints . I am beyond grief - I am in a place that has no name . A visceral place that is not even concerned with survival anymore . A place I am yet to discover . Violence scares me . What scares me even more is willful cruelty . Cruelty premeditated is not something I am comfortable with , never been . It has this cunning ability to make me lose faith in humanity , to pervert what I hold to be true and pure . It not only pollutes me but it also brings out in me my own violence , my own abject parts that defies all that I believe makes our common lot . A mixture of lightness and darkness. But cruelty is lopsided in its appearance. I can only see absolutes when subjected to it .
Another symptom of being subjected to cruelty , or should I say another side effect , is nothingness. Nothingness means to me a numbness of everything which vulgarly translates itself into Nothing matters anymore . A nihilism that pervades everything . Even the most mundane rudimentary task becomes a nothing .
Destruction in its extreme , the ones I have witnessed so far , then starts bordering on absurdity and becomes absurd in itself and for itself . In fact it is a state that defies human comprehension . There is no logic in destruction especially when I cannot see seeds of a rebirth. It is 6 am and am battling with the left overs of darkness .
I will go to sleep the minute I see an inkling of light . Good night Beirut .