July 24, 2006

Wars - Beginnings with no End

I am tired . The stream of news coming my way is making me tired . I am physically , psychologically and emotionally tired . I have lost count of the numbers of dead . Dead bodies , dead lands , dead souls . The destruction seems to have no end in sight . I am writing to stay sane - maybe sane is an ambitious aim . Let's just say I am writing to fight the death around me lest the written word may revive something .
I have already witnessed 6 wars or is it 7 - there too I have lost count . I am only in my 40's I would exclaim - an exclamation that would fall on deaf ears . Can you imagine 7 wars in 40 years?
Let me recall . Actually I do not need to recall , its all very vivid in my memory .
First war , 1967 - We spent many weeks in shelters . I started seeing black .
Then came 1973- I used to stand on the balcony and count the numbers of israeli jets that would fly over my little head . Wondering why the skies turned suddenly gray . I started picking black clothes .
Then the Lebanese civil War1975 . I smelled the rotten flesh on the streets .I wore black.
Then the Iraqi- Iranian War 1980 - I wore black .
Then the Isreali invasion of Lebanon- 1982. I wore black .
Then Gulf war I- 1990 . I wore black for 40 days.
Then Gulf war II -2002 or was it 2003 . I wore black.
and now Lebanon again -2006 . Am wearing black again .
Have not counted the intifadas , nor the incursions in Jenin, Rafah, Ramallah , Gaza nor the dead in the streets of Baghdad.
Today I decided I will no longer wear black.
I dont know how this came about , but it was a decision . A conscious one . I cannot grieve anymore . I actually noticed that my eyes are very dry today , I am worried I have no more tears . The grief has given way to a cold rage - not a seething one , not an exuberant one , nor a fiery one , just a cold cold rage . A beginning with no end .